My how time flies . . . But is it fun?

 April 5, 2021

I just read my last blog post. From June. Reading it brought back all the feels. The anxiety of what we'd been through; the anxiety of not knowing what was coming up. 

Things I didn't know: in less than six weeks, my dad would enter Hospice. I'd spend multiple days a week with my parents (a privilege and honor, but still time consuming). He'd pass in September. Our school would go back two weeks later than originally planned, but we'd be face-to-face, masked and socially distanced. Animosity would brew because of individual's stances on masks and other precautions. 

I didn't know how the isolation would impact my mental health. 

I didn't know how everything would feel like an uphill battle. Everything. Keeping track of who was quarantined and supposed to be in my synch class. Who was from my class and who was from the other eighth grade teacher's class. Trying to keep myself healthy while worrying about my husband, my own kids, my parent(s). Keeping track of what student work had been completed; reaching out to parents who experienced different frustrations and really just needed to know their kid was OK rather than hearing an IXL standard wasn't complete. Hearing from district admin that call of "MORE! FASTER! Not enough!" It's no different than most years; this year, though, maybe was the time to say, "I see you. I know you are trying." And maybe, my state of mind made it just seem worse. 

In January, I hit an all-time low. Seasonal Affective Disorder is real, and I know I'm impacted, but this year was the worst I've ever experienced. Looking back, I realize that what I thought was doing OK was barely surviving. I'm not proud of how I spoke to others, mostly my close family and friends. I'm not proud of the person I was, and I know that next year, if it's half as bad, I must seek professional help and not think I can do it on my own. 

This year, though, hasn't been all bad. I'm thrilled I can find pinpoints (and larger) of light. My students have been incredible for the most part. I have made relationships as deeply as I did before in circumstances that have challenged even the strongest of students. I've learned names despite masks and muffled voices. The behavior of the students in my classroom has, for the most part, been as good if not better than ever before. Why?

I've worked twice as hard to establish and strengthen relationships this year. These students need some sort of constant in their life. If I can make it be how much I care about them - not their scores, not their work, but them - then I'm doing what's right. When they welcome a new paraprofessional to our room, and I ask them to let her know something about me or the class, and they tell her it's a good place to be because I care for them, I'm doing ok. 

We have 38 days of school left (ok, 37.5 with students). We have state assessments (seriously), MAP, and Fastbridge testing left. We also have hours of laughter and sharing. We have opportunities to help each other learn and to hold each other accountable. 

This year has been the absolute toughest of my life so far. I don't want another like this. No matter what, I will take the lessons learned this year into all the hours, days, years I have left. I am a stronger, better person because of this year, and I am thankful for the growth. 

Time is flying . . . this year hasn't been fun . . . but I am thankful.